Don’t let the smile fool you
by Amelia Mia Stark
Summary: Tony is drowing in pain, not even alcohol seems to numb it. He just oulled out his arc reactor to try to find relief.


This short FanFiction was written to create awareness about mental health. If you find topics such as suicide sensitive, I'd recommended against reading in.

This is based during Civil War, hence Pepper wasn't around

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Don't let the smile fool you

Tony closed the door of his restroom behind him, and slowly slide until hitting the floor. He just spent hours drinking like a rockstar, pretending that the pain in his chest didn't exist

He hasn't drank like this in years, since he came back from his captivity

It wasn't the arc reactor, it wasn't his heart. It was his soul that was broken. What was the meaning of being alive?

To save people? He could save thousand of civilians, yet everyone would still hate him for being a "Stark"

To be part of the Avengers? He could have created them, trained them, equipped them, but the would never respect him as much as they respect Steve.

He was trying to protect Wanda, but she left him. She hated him too. Even though it wasn't his fault that Stark Industries sold weapons to the black market.

Pepper left him. No matter how much he tried to change for her, she always wanted more. He never was enough for her. He wasn't enough for anybody.

He felt useless, a waste of space. He loathed himself deeply. All he could remember about himself were mistakes: the soldiers that die thanks to his weapons, Ultron, Sokovia, the Avengers breaking apart, the botanist getting killed. He was useless.

He made a fist with both hands and hit his head several times, until the pain blurred his vision.

He cried, trying to let the pain out, but he had more and more trapped in his chest. He pulled the arc reactor and threw it away from him.

He just wanted to disappear.

-That's it- Tony thought - I worth more dead-

With the strength he had left from his dying hard, he pulled out a small knife pocket. He knew he was dying without the arc reactor in his chest, but he needed to feel physical pain.

He needed pain somewhere where he could hold it tight and protect

He slowly pushed against his sling the blade, and full of relief he saw how his blood started to come out.

He left peace.

He felt relief.

The pain was leaving his body through his wrist.

He knew he was about to pass out. He was ready to go, not to heaven, but at least somewhere away of everyone

Somewhere where he wouldn't be a waste of space. He closed his eyes and was drifted off.

———

A few hours later he felt a bright light on his face, and slowly he opened his eyes.

-God?- he mumble, still a little drowsy from his heart failing and the blood lost.

-No- It was Steve's voice. He was in a hospital room- How do you feel?

He didn't answered immediately. He saw Nat, Wanda, Clint, Rhodes and Pepper in the room.

-I'm fine Capsicle- he said without looking at him - now you all can leave. No need to pretend that you care-

-We are not pretending Tony- Natasha said with fear in her voice - we are here because we care about you-

-Then you should've noticed that I wasn't alright long time ago- He yelled at her

-We did- Pepper intervene- you didn't let us help you.

-Bullshit- he responded looking away from him

-No, you bullshit- Clint said- everyone here loves you and cares for you. You are just too deep in your depression to realized it! Open your eyes man! Steve just arrested himself to come and see if you were find, Pepper, Wanda and Nat has been crying for the past three days!

-Three days?- he said confused.

-You were almost gone when I found you- Rhodes whispered- You know you can always count on me, on us. Please, let us help you- he saw the fear of losing him in Rhodey's eyes

-Please, Tony- Steve added.

-Find whatever, I'll go to therapy if that gets you all of my back- He responded rolling his eyes. They knew he was just scared of what he did to himself, they could see the pain and fear on his eyes. This angry thought guy wasn't more than a broken heart longing for help.

-Thank you- Wanda said with a broken voice- I don't want to lose anyone else.

Tony let go a couple of tears, and right on time the doctor came in and told them to let him rest.

-Only one person can stay with Mr Stark tonight- She, the doctor, said. And left the room again

-I will- Pepper said

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Pain is usually his behind a smile or strength. If you are having a hard time, get help. You are important.

Thank you for reading me


End file.
